When President Donald Trump recently said that Baltimore is a rat- and vermin-infested dump where no human being would want to live, you were probably surprised to learn that this was racism.
Especially if you saw the black woman mayor of Baltimore in a video just a year ago, when she yelled about a neighborhood in her city, “Oh sh*t! You can smell the rats. We need to just tear all this sh*t down!” It wasn’t racist when she said it – but when Trump said it, it was suddenly racist to point out Baltimore’s ratty-ness.
These things can change on a dime in 2019. Perfectly benign things that were not racist yesterday are suddenly racist today. But you need to keep up with these things, otherwise you might use your white privilege to oppress the village full of highly skilled Cameroonian goat-herders who just moved in down the street from you.
Here’s a helpful quiz that will aid you in determining your level of “wokeness” in 2019. You might be a hateful white nationalist Nazi if you don’t pay attention to these things.
When you read the items on the list, see if you can guess whether they are racist before reading the descriptions:
August 8th: August 8th… how could that be racist? Well, according to NBC News, the letter ‘H’ is the eighth letter of the English alphabet. President Trump has ordered that flags be flown at half staff for the victims of the recent mass shootings, but he wants the flags raised back to full staff on August 8th – 08/08.
Get it? 08/08… H H… “Heil Hitler.” Duh! President Trump doesn’t do anything by accident. Raising the flag back to full staff on 08/08 is a secret racist dog whistle to Trump supporters, which actually means “Heil Hitler.”
And before you think this is some kooky declaration from the Marianne Williamson campaign, you should know it was said on NBC News by a former Assistant Director of the FBI.
Curiously, he did not point out that August 8th was on a Thursday this year. Thursday… Thor’s Day… Thor… white Norse god of thunder… it’s all a secret code, but it’s right there next to the Russian collusion if you look hard enough for it.
Robots: Okay, robots are definitely not racist, right? WRONG! Check out the toy section the next time you’re in a big box store and you’ll quickly notice that many of the robots have a white plastic shell on them to cover up their wires and circuits. You won’t see any robots with brown outer shells. And CNN has told us the real reason for this: “Imperialism and white supremacy.”
The Word “Invasion:” I know this one! The word “invasion” could not possibly be racist. That’s because the media and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez both called it an “invasion” when Amazon was trying to set up a new operation in New York that would have created thousands of jobs for Americans. If that was an invasion, the word “invasion” cannot be racist!
Oh, wait. I’m wrong. Trump has described the one million plus illegal aliens who are expected to pouring over our southern border this year as an invasion, so now the word “invasion” is racist.
Artificial Intelligence: Oh, come on! How could a computer program that thinks and learns on its own be racist? Well… Wired Magazine did a study to test one of Google’s AI programs, to see how good it is at classifying the “toxicity” of people’s tweets. It took the Twitter feeds of Michelle Obama and every past transgender participant on Ru Paul’s Drag Race – who we all know CAN NOT be racist – and compared their Twitter feeds to people like Stephan Molyneux, Faith Goldy and former KKK leader David Duke (just to be fair, of course).
By the way, don’t read anything into the fact that Wired Magazine lumped Michelle Obama in with a bunch of trannies. I certainly didn’t!
Anyway, Google’s AI determined that the drag queen Twitter feeds were actually twice as toxic as David Duke’s Twitter feed. The AI was only ranking toxicity based on the words that people were using, and not considering the fact that drag queens = Good People/David Duke = Bad People.
If the AI was actually “woke,” it would have realized that the drag queens calling people “fags” all day long every single day are not toxic, but David Duke asking a question about proper levels of Somali immigration is totally racist.
Oh, and the AI also said many of Michelle Obama’s tweets are twice as toxic as David Duke’s.
Wired Magazine nailed it, of course, by declaring that “we have a long way to go” before AI is not racist.
Ivanka Trump’s new puppy: Hoo boy! This is a tough one. We all know that Ivanka Trump is a Nazi. Just look at her elegant, swan-like neck, her dazzling white smile, her beautiful hair, her devastatingly lovely fashion sense and her slender waist. There’s no other possible conclusion. She’s a Nazi.
But her innocent new puppy? It’s just a little baby animal. It has no control over who buys him and owns him. It’s very tempting to say Ivanka Trump’s new puppy is “not racist.”
But… you’d be wrong. Ivanka Trump’s new puppy has white fur. And we all know what that means. This was clearly a coded signal to the armies of white nationalist Nazis in America that it’s “okay to be white.” It’s not okay to be white. Even if you’re a puppy. That puppy should apologize!
Really smart people on Twitter also noted that pet “ownership” implies slavery. Because if you own a pet, that’s just like owning a slave in South Carolina in 1810.
Clean air: Have you noticed how clean the air is when you visit states with a lot of Trump supporters in them? San Francisco’s air smells nothing like the clean air in Trump-supporting states. Why is that? Well, according to the Party of SCIENCE! it is because of racism.
Cities like San Fran now smell like an outhouse because they are filled with good, progressive people. Those cities allow illegal aliens to squat down on the sidewalk and squeeze out a “dreamer.” Smelly air is a byproduct of their goodness.
If your city doesn’t smell like San Francisco and you have clean air, it means you are a racist. Clean air is just a byproduct of your white supremacy.
Now that you know all of the things that are suddenly racist today, you won’t commit any more of those blunders around the office and get fired for “hate speech.” You’re welcome, everybody!
