The moment we’ve all been dreading is finally upon us. The 2020 Democrat Party debates, featuring 700 candidates and no Donald Trump, are finally upon us. Is there anything that could be more boring to me or to you? I don’t think so!

But because I’m a champ and a team player, I’ve decided that I’ll take the hit for everyone this year. I diligently watched these debates and will report my findings back to everyone else, so that you can just read about it and not have to hear Elizabeth Warren’s nails-on-chalkboard voice.

And I promise I won’t get distracted this time. The only thing I ask in return is that you share this insightful analysis with all your family members and friends on social media. I’m a cheap date.

So, here we go!

The question going into the first debate is whether the Democrats will all just bash Trump, or if it will turn into a big circular firing squad in which they all try to out-socialism each other. Governor John Hickenlooper got stopped by debate security because no one recognized him. This bodes well for his candidacy, especially since the eventual nominee will have to face off against a billionaire playboy reality TV star who has been a household name since the 1980s. “President Hickenlooper” just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

And… there’s no sound at the debate. Great job, MSNBC! Doesn’t matter. I’ll just interpret the silence for everyone. One of the things that really stands out on this momentous occasion of the first Democrat debate of the season is that, oh, hey, look! The Bruce Willis remake of “Death Wish” is on Amazon Prime.

Critics hated the original “Death Wish” starring Charles Bronson, but audiences flocked to the film. It was one of those right-place-at-the-right-time movies that struck a chord in the public’s conscience. The original was set in New York, which was beset by violent crime and was the murder capital of the world at the time, due to the Democrats’ soft-on-crime policies. The idea of a one-man vigilante gunning down crooks in the streets really appealed to people, since police and government seemed incapable of doing it.

In the Bruce Willis remake, the action moves to Detroit and that’s a pretty obvious choice for many reasons. The remake is very pro-Second Amendment, and the action scenes live up to the tension of the original.

Vincent D’Onofrio plays a very plausible brother to Bruce Willis’ character.

Although, given that D’Onofrio is a whiny SJW who never shuts up about how awful he thinks President Trump is, I’ll bet there were some spirited on-set debates between him and the libertarian-leaning conservative Willis.

I have to be totally honest, though. Bruce Willis kind of phones in his performance in this one. He’s probably so used to playing the invincible action hero John McClane in the Die Hard series of Christmas movies that it’s difficult to pull off the role of a mild-mannered surgeon-turned-vigilante. It’s like he took acting lessons from William Shatner for this part: “I can’t… protect… MY… family!”

Overall, I’d give the “Death Wish” remake four out of five stars. It’s a very solid pro-gun film that, oh, hey, MSNBC finally got the sound back on. Hope I didn’t miss anything.

Beto O’Rourke and Cory Booker are arguing with each other… in Spanish. Way to reach out to heritage Americans, dorks! I can’t follow any of that. My Closed-Captioning isn’t translating any of it for me, but I’ll bet they’re arguing about transgenders.

Here’s Hoooo-lee-ahn Cast-r-r-r-r-r-r-ooooo! Not to be outdone by Booker and Beto, Castro says he supports taxpayer-funded abortions for transgender men. No one corrects him. Somebody needs to stage an immediate biology intervention with these people.

True story about Hoooo-lee-ahn Cast-r-r-r-r-r-r-ooooo: He’s an even worse fake Hispanic than Beto. Castro pronounces his name like he just scored a goal in soccer, but he doesn’t even speak Spanish. He studied Latin and Japanese at the school for one-percenters that he attended. When he went into politics in Texas, he quickly realized that “Hispandering” for votes was very difficult since he didn’t even speak the language. So, Hoooo-lee-ahn Cast-r-r-r-r-r-r-ooooo hired a Jewish lady who speaks perfect Spanish to tutor him in the language. Such a fraud.

Cory Booker: “We do not talk enough about trans-Americans, especially African American trans-Americans.”

That’s funny, because it seems to me like ever since the Supreme Court literally invented “gay marriage” out of thin air in 2015, trans-Americans are like the number two topic in the media every single day (second only to the Russian collusion hoax). You guys won’t shut up about trans-Americans.

They’re the smallest remaining weirdo fringe group in America that you can pretend is being “oppressed.” Fine. I’ll agree to your terms and we will talk about trans-Americans, Cory Booker – but only on one condition. I get to talk first. And I guarantee you’re not going to like what I have to say.

Some guy named Jay Inslee is blathering about global warming now. Which reminds me, I just bought a cordless electric lawnmower. Not that I believe global warming is anything other than socialism masquerading as fake science to prompt a total government takeover of the economy.

The reason why I bought it is because we’re converting our garage into a game room. If I had a gas mower, I’d have to store a smelly gas can in the garage. We didn’t want the kids to be inhaling gasoline fumes while they’re playing ping pong, because that might cause them to grow up to be Democrats. (Although in Beto’s case, I’m guessing paint fumes were the issue.)

So, I’m going to give this electric mower a shot. I haven’t used it yet, but it’s charged up and ready to go. If the next Democrat debate of the 2020 election season is as captivating as this first one, I’ll probably write a product review for the lawn mower. That would still be more interesting than anything Bernie Sanders has to say.

Now this is just totally my own personal opinion, but I think the winner of the first 2020 Democrat debate is definitely… drumroll please… Bruce Willis!