This is turning into the most boring impeachment inquiry of all time, almost. (I tried to study Andrew Johnson’s impeachment before writing this. Now that was the most boring impeachment ever.) First, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi refuses to hold a floor vote invoking an official impeachment inquiry. Then, the whistleblower’s story falls apart.
What are we left with? A transcript of a boring phone call. Snore! This story doesn’t even have any suborning of perjury from dozens of witnesses and lying to a grand jury after getting caught romping with a chubby intern in the Oval Office. Impeachments just aren’t what they used to be.
Your impeachment narrative might need a little bit more polishing before you reveal it to the public if Rolling Stone writes this about you:
“Americans who’ve blown the whistle over serious offenses by the federal government either spend the rest of their lives overseas, like Edward Snowden, end up in jail, like Chelsea Manning, get arrested and ruined financially, like former NSA official Thomas Drake, have their homes raided by the FBI like disabled NSA vet William Binney, or get charged with espionage like ex-CIA exposer-of-torture John Kiriakou. It’s an insult to all of these people, and the suffering they’ve weathered, to frame the ballcarrier in the Beltway’s latest partisan power contest as a whistleblower.”
Keep in mind, Rolling Stone is a wimpy, far-left entertainment rag. Rolling Stone airbrushed the front of Al Gore’s pants during the 2000 election to make it look like he’s a real American man. When Rush Limbaugh caught them doing this and started relentlessly mocking Gore and Rolling Stone, the media hilariously claimed that the magazine had made Gore’s crotch look smaller. Didn’t want to intimidate the ladies! Remember that?
Anyway, Rolling Stone is about as far-left as a magazine can get – and even they are not buying the latest impeachment hoopla. You might want to go back to the drawing board, Nancy.
But the total collapse of the impeachment narrative hasn’t stopped the vultures from circling in hopes that they will be the Chosen One to drive the Bad Orange Man from the land. Come to think of it, that’s a bit insensitive to vultures. At least a vulture waits until you’re wounded before he starts circling.
Fine. I’ll play along. Here’s a look at the super-impressive list of political opportunists that the left would probably love to replace Trump with. I’ll even use the honorific of “President” in front of all their names, just so we can try them on for size.
“President” Mitt Romney: Yes, really. I’m surprised more conservative media outlets haven’t picked up on the latest big scoop that Jack Posobiec unearthed. Mitt Romney isn’t just being a treasonous back-stabbing weasel with a permanent constipated rictus on his face all the time as New York Times reporters keep him on speed dial. He’s calling donors.
Mitt Romney believes His Time Has Come! Romney believes he’d be able to beat a weakened Trump in a primary following the phony impeachment, or maybe he thinks he’s so popular that he’ll be able to whip up 67 votes in the Senate to remove Trump from office. Either way, Romney thinks he’ll be your first choice in a few short months.
“President” Nikki Haley: Yes, really. Same constipated face, same “America Last” warmongering “conservative” principles as Squish Romney. She’s also considering a primary run against Trump for keeping his campaign promise to pull the troops out of Syria.
“President” Crooked Hillary: Yes, really. She just won’t go away. Does anyone else find the timing of Crooked Hillary’s latest media blitz to be a little “too convenient.” Before all the dust settles from this phony impeachment talk, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the “intelligence” whistleblower was a former Clinton staffer that Obama appointed to the National Security Council, but who unfortunately didn’t get flushed down the drain when Trump took over.
There’s still time for Crooked Hillary to jump in the race, and she hasn’t done anything yet to indicate that she’s not planning to run.
“President” Elizabeth Warren: Yes, really. Warren was starting to rise even further in the polls when she told that heart wrenching story about how she was fired from a teaching job for being pregnant. But then, of course, that turned out to be a complete and total lie. White lady speaks with forked tongue again!
My favorite Twitter joke this month is the one about Elizabeth Warren, who is a real fake Native American, and Barack Obama, who once ate his dog, teaming up for a cross-cultural cookbook. It’ll have a recipe called “Bow-Wow Pow-Wow Chow.”
“President” Hunter Biden: Yes, really. Be honest. We all expect Creepy Old Joe to end up in the heart attack ward next to Red Bernie any day now. If Joe Biden exits the race due to a health emergency, who better to replace him than a chip off the old block?
I’ll admit, “President” Hunter Biden has kind of a distinguished ring to it (and First Lady Puma St. Angel!). Unfortunately, the individual attached to that name is an incredibly shabby excuse for a human being. The good news is that Creepy Old Joe is about to become a grandfather once again. The bad news is that Hunter Biden is refusing to take a paternity test.
Plus, there’s this from The New Yorker:
“Hunter… asked a homeless man in Pershing Square where he could buy crack. Hunter said that the man took him to a nearby homeless encampment. He returned to buy more crack a few times that week.”
“President” Cory Booker: Ha! Okay, not really. I can’t even. Booker is such a sad sack of a candidate, along with Not Mrs. Willy Brown, Saint Buttigieg, the skateboarding furry, and the Asian guy who wants us to eat bugs and live in shipping containers. I can’t even pretend that any of them will ever be President of the United States.
Here’s the bottom line. Even if we fall into some weird parallel universe where Donald Trump is thrown out of office by this fake impeachment, guess who I’m voting for in 2020? I trust Mike Pence to hold down the fort for a few months in Donald Trump’s brief absence.
And knowing Trump’s penchant for mischief, I’ll bet that his first phone call upon winning reelection will be to the president of Ukraine.