The Make America Great Again experiment was fun while it lasted. Unfortunately, Donald Trump just lost his 2020 reelection bid. It’s all over. Joe Biden won. At least, that’s according to “Pollnado,” the event when the mainstream media discovered a new poll right as Biden finally entered the race.
Using cutting-edge polling techniques, Morning Consult/Politico has determined that Joe Biden will win a crushing landslide victory over Donald Trump in 2020. No other Democrat can touch Biden in the primaries. (But he can touch their wives! Zing! We’re here all week, folks!)
The mainstream media is deliriously reporting on the poll as they swoon in delight because Biden might be “The One.” You see, unlike previous polling methods where pollsters call registered voters and get hung up on a lot, Morning Consult/Politico has conducted a scientific online poll.
Among people with an internet connection who bother to log on to Politico, Biden edges out Trump in a head-to-head matchup by 42 to 34 percent. 19 percent of Politico’s internet “voters” are undecided, and the remaining 5 percent logged in to vote in the online poll by saying that they would not be voting in 2020. Again: They voted that they won’t be voting. O… kay…
You know who really, really likes Joe Biden in the Morning Consult/Politico poll? That’s right: The ladies.
Women prefer Joe Biden over Donald Trump in the poll by a 45 to 28 percent margin. Women love Joe Biden. They long for Joe Biden to saunter up behind them, with waves of aftershave wafting off his manly frame and smiling like he doesn’t have a care in the world… his silvery-white hair shimmering under the lights of the chandelier, as Adele sings in the background. His hands caress the sides of her body as he leans in and inhales the scent of her hair. She turns to him and collapses into Joe Biden’s steely arms, and then…
Oh, sorry. We’ve been reading Democrat presidential contender Stacey Abrams’ softcore romance novels and got a little carried away. Anyway, just trust Morning Consult/Politico’s poll. Women love Joe Biden. That’s why romance novel plots always feature the male lead as a shifty bureaucrat who wins the girl’s heart and not the billionaire real estate mogul.
The media has gone absolutely berserk for the Morning Consult/Politico poll. Some of the anchors on CNN look like they were just caught reading a Stacey Abrams novel. They need a moment to go have a cigarette. “Was the Morning Consult/Politico poll good for you too, Wolf?”
There it is: A poll that proves Donald Trump has already lost the 2020 election! Mean girl and closet Trump-hater Matt Drudge had a link to the poll up on his website for an entire day. MSNBC and CNN couldn’t shut up about it. They truly haven’t learned a single thing after the 2016 election.
If you’re feeling the slightest doubt about 2020 and need your spirits lifted, let’s take a trip down memory lane, crack open the archives and see just how amazingly accurate pollsters are in the Trump era. These were all the final poll results and Electoral College predictions from the most esteemed pollsters in the US, as we headed into Election Day in 2016.
LA Times: Hillary 352, Trump 186
Moody’s Analytics: Hillary 332, Trump 206
Rothenberg & Gonzales: Hillary 323, Trump 197
Sabato: Hillary 322, Trump 216
Crystal Ball: Hillary 322, Trump 216
Princeton: Hillary 226, Trump 164
FiveThirtyEight: Hillary 302, Trump 235
Fox News: Hillary 275, Trump 215
Associated Press: Hillary 274, Trump 190
In addition to those insanely accurate polls, many media outlets, pundits and really smart people offered odds on the likelihood of a Hillary Clinton victory in 2016. If you had been in Las Vegas that night and simply trusted your instincts, you would have made a fortune off these guys:
New York Times: 85 percent likely Hillary victory
FiveThirtyEight: 71 percent likely Hillary victory
Hypermind: 74 percent likely Hillary victory
PredictWise: 89 percent likely Hillary victory
Reuters/Ipsos: 90 percent likely Hillary victory
Matthew Dowd, ABC News Political Analyst: 95 percent likely Hillary victory
Looking at those numbers, it’s easy to see why Democrats were so upset on election night and the actual votes had been counted. That’s got to be a downer. Don’t worry, liberals – we’re upset too. Back in 2016, there were a ton of leftwing celebrities who promised to move if Donald Trump won the election. But like the 2016 polls, those celebrity promises were all lies.
Here are a few of those celebrities, along with the places that they promised to move to if Donald Trump became president:
Lena Dunham: Canada
Samuel L. Jackson: South Africa
Miley Cyrus: “Overseas” (In fairness, Miley couldn’t think of the name of another country)
Cher: Jupiter (Actual promise)
John Stewart: “Another planet” (Another actual promise)
Raven Symone of The View: Canada
Natasha Lyonne: “A mental hospital” (Actually, this may have happened)
George Lopez: Mexico
Al Sharpton: “I’ve reserved my ticket” (Didn’t say where, but promised to leave)
Neve Campbell: Canada
Chelsea Handler: Spain
Barbara Streisand: Australia
Bryan Cranston: “I would definitely move.” (Didn’t say where, but promised to leave)
Spike Lee: Brooklyn (In fairness to Spike, Brooklyn has felt like a foreign country for years)
We’re still waiting, George Lopez!
The media elites literally think that they are wizards. They believe that they can shape reality with the power of their words: If they repeat their lies long enough, the lies will become truth. The next 18 months will be a demoralization campaign, designed to get you to lose hope and stay home from the polls in 2020.
Before getting worried, look back at the poll numbers from 2016. Re-watch the videos from Election Night in 2016, when Hillary’s campaign headquarters turned into a river of tears. The polls showing Joe Biden as the “clear 2020 frontrunner” are every bit as real as the “Hillary Clinton presidency.”