The Democrats Love to Make up Impeachment “Crimes”

Adam SchiffNow that everyone has jumped on the Crazy Train to Impeach Trump, come hell or high water, I have a simple question for some people. If you’re reading this, my question probably isn’t aimed directly at you. The question I want to ask is aimed at all the people in the Democrat Party, as well as all the people yammering about impeachment on CNN and MSNBC, and several of the folks on Fox News. Here’s my question:

Exactly what “crime” did President Donald Trump commit on his phone call with the president of Ukraine last summer?

I’ve read the transcript of that phone call 5 times now, and I’m a bit confused. It would be very helpful to me, and to millions of Americans, if the folks listed above could answer that question. And please be specific in your answer, citing the exact statute and code which President Trump violated.

This shouldn’t be a difficult question to answer: What “law” did President Trump break, which now merits his impeachment? Let me give you some examples of “crimes” and their associated “laws,” to illustrate how simple this should be.

Let’s say that you want to sell onion rings in the United States. So, you buy some onions, dice them and dress them up so they look exactly like regular non-diced onion rings. If you fail to alert your customers to the fact that your onion rings are diced before you sell the onion rings to them, you are a terrible person who has committed a federal crime. If you’ve done this, an FBI SWAT team is probably headed to your house right now. You can read the details on this law in 21 USC §333 & 21 CFR §102.39.

We also have federal laws and regulations related to Turkey Ham. Before telling you about this law, I feel I should explain something in case Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) reads this: There is no such animal in the forest known as a turkey-pig or a pig-turkey. “Turkey Ham” is a sandwich product crafted from two different meats, which come from two completely different animals. Yes, Alexandria, my mind is blown as well.

Anyway, if you want to sell Turkey Ham in the USA, the words “Turkey” and “Ham” must be printed in the same font. If you try to sell it using two different fonts, you’re guilty of a federal crime. It’s also against the law to label it as “Ham Turkey.” It must be labeled as “Turkey Ham,” in a single unified font, as detailed in 21 USC §461 & 9 CFR §381.171(d).

Can we milk giraffes in the United States? You bet we can! This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, after all. However, if the giraffe is quarantined for any reason, it is a federal crime to take the milk home with you. If the giraffe is not quarantined, you should be okay – but don’t quote me on that.

The prohibition on taking the milk of a quarantined giraffe home is detailed in three separate places in the federal code: 7 USC §8313, 9 CFR §93.400 and 9 CFR 93.414. Past sessions of Congress were extremely thorough in covering all the giraffe-milking bases.

Under a law passed in 1919, it is a federal crime to change the weather without first alerting the US Secretary of Commerce of your intentions. I mention this law just in case they have an extra-snowy winter in Minnesota this year. When Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) blames Israel for tampering with the weather again, she can turn them in to Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross under 15 U.S.C. §330a and 330d and get the Jews in big trouble!

I’ll give you one more example. This federal law is a bit esoteric, so I’ll use a fictitious, hypothetical situation to make it easier to understand.

Let’s say – in this totally hypothetical situation – that you’re the Governor of Arkansas. After luring a female staffer into a hotel room during a campaign stop by pretending that you want to discuss a work-related topic with her, you take out your penis and order her to “Kiss it.” Later, when that female staffer sues you for sexual harassment, you dispatch your wife and George Stephanopoulos to threaten dozens of other women who you’ve sexually harassed in the past.

George Stephanopoulos and your wife threaten to destroy the lives, reputations and careers of these women, unless they lie to the Department of Justice about how you sexually harassed them like the poor “Kiss it” lady.

Believe it or not, that’s a federal crime too!

It’s known as “subornation of perjury,” and you can read all about that very real, impeachable crime in 18 USC §1622.

All these laws have certain things in common, which you may have noticed unless you are an employee at CNN or MSNBC. Congress wrote all these things down in bills and then the House and Senate voted to pass them. Those bills were then signed into law by past presidents, including the one about milking quarantined giraffes.

The laws and regulations, and their associated penalties, are then assigned numbers and written down in the US Code (USC) or the Code of Federal Regulations (CFR). The numbers are assigned to them so that we can look them up later.

This is how nations keep track of their laws, so they can be consistently enforced over time, amended or discarded. Lots of nations have used this system of writing their laws down. The ancient Israelites, who stir such incredible passions in Ilhan Omar, wrote their laws down in what we call the “Old Testament” of the Bible. The Roman Empire wrote their laws down, and so has the United States of America since her founding.

If there’s a law against something in the United States, we’ve written it down and it has a number assigned to it. Even though we have a lot of laws – way too many, in fact – individual ones like those I’ve listed above can be easily researched these days, thanks to the internet.

But I must admit, I’m stumped right now. Every Democrat and every talking head on CNN and MSNBC say that President Trump “committed a crime” during his phone call with the Ukrainian president. What crime was it? What’s the number for it in the US Code? Is it tucked away in the Turkey Ham laws, or the prohibitions on quarantined giraffe milk?

If we’re going to remove one of the greatest presidents in US history from office, I think it’s only fair that the Democrats tell us what “crime” he committed this time. Or, is this just another example like “Russian collusion” that they made up out of thin air?


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