There’s an old saying that if you come at the king, you’d best not miss. Those who attempt to remove a ruler and fail to do so, don’t tend to suffer a very good fate as a result of their poor life choices.

Fortunately for the assembled coup plotters who are holding an impeachment inquiry against President Donald Trump, we no longer tar and feather people as a punishment in this country. (After two weeks of public impeachment hearings, however, most of us would probably be open to having that discussion.)

In a similar vein to that popular saying about regicide: If you’re going to hold an impeachment inquiry, don’t forget to pack some very important things for the trip.

First, it would be a terrible idea to hold an impeachment inquiry if you do not have a competent person to lead that inquiry. For example, when the House drafted Articles of Impeachment against President Richard Nixon, the man who led the investigation was House Judiciary Committee Chairman Peter Rodino (D-NJ). Remember, that was in the long-ago days when some Democrats were still serious people and were not confused about which bathroom to use.

Rodino was a serious guy. When a cushy government post in the Roosevelt administration exempted him from the draft, Rodino enlisted in the US Army anyway. He fought against the tank divisions of “The Desert Fox,” Irwin Rommel, in North Africa during World War II, and later against Mussolini’s troops in Italy. Rodino won a Bronze Star and rose to the rank of Captain, before coming back to the US after the war and eventually running for Congress. Again: Rodino was a serious, competent person.

When Bill Clinton was impeached for perjury, obstruction of justice, and suborning perjury from more than two dozen of his sexual harassment victims, Congressman Henry Hyde (R-IL) was chosen to lead the impeachment effort. Hyde was another serious, competent leader for an impeachment inquiry. He was a World War II Navy veteran, and he served in the House of Representatives longer than Congressman Adam Schiff (D-CA) has been alive.

You have to wonder if House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) is now kicking herself for placing Schiff in charge of the impeachment inquiry against President Trump. While Rodino and Hyde were competent men who had led other men in wartime and spent many years serving their nation in Congress after that, Adam Schiff has never been in charge of anything prior to his current stint as House Intelligence Committee Chairman.

Schiff was a subpar prosecutor in the US Attorney’s Office in Los Angeles before being elected to represent the congressional district where “Wheel of Fortune” is taped. The most high-profile case that Adam Schiff ever prosecuted was an FBI agent who had been caught red-handed accepting cash and gold from the former Soviet Union, in exchange for classified US secrets. After Schiff failed to get a solid conviction against the corrupt FBI agent – TWICE – the US Attorney’s office booted him off the case.

Keep that in mind when you see Schiff running the impeachment inquiry. He’s incompetent now, and he was incompetent before he was elected to Congress.

Secondly when packing for this impeachment trip, make sure you don’t have the guy in charge of running the show come off as a liar. Schiff has flip-flopped twice on whether or not he knows the so-called impeachment “whistleblower.” First, he had no idea who the whistleblower was. Then, Schiff was forced to admit that, well, okay guys, he sort of knew the whistleblower because he had hired two of the whistleblower’s co-workers over the summer after Trump’s call with the Ukrainian president.

Plus, maybe Adam Schiff’s staff had helped to write the whistleblower’s complaint. But now we’re back to Schiff claiming he doesn’t know the whistleblower’s identity.

That makes for interesting television, especially whenever a Republican tries to ask a witness a question. Schiff constantly interrupts and blocks GOP questions, claiming that he won’t allow the whistleblower’s identity to be compromised. If he doesn’t know who the whistleblower is, how does Schiff know which questions to block? It’s uncanny!

Speaking of the witnesses, the third thing you should bring with you on an impeachment trip is some competent witnesses who have something they like to call “evidence” in the legal profession. None of the witnesses that Schiff has produced saw anything, heard anything, or have any firsthand information about any crimes that were committed by President Trump. They just don’t like him personally and their feelings are hurt because Trump stepped on their delicate toes when it comes to foreign policy.

What a gaggle of nerds these witnesses have been! If I had to pick between them, I’d say Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman is the biggest dork of the bunch so far. (I haven’t checked the witness list for the coming week, so maybe he’ll be topped by one of the upcoming dorks.)

And by the way, it’s LIEUTENANT COLONEL Vindman. Just as Barbara Boxer made a fool of herself years ago by demanding that a witness refer to her as “Senator,” Vindman interrupted Congressman Devin Nunes (R-CA) to insist that he be referred to as LIEUTENANT COLONEL. Any member of the Armed Forces will tell you that requiring a civilian to call you by your military rank is a loser move.

While Vindman has an incredibly high opinion of himself, military members who served with him tell a different story. They say that Vindman has exactly the sort of backbiting, petty personality that an officer who sits in an office in DC and undermines his superiors would have. And he’s been that way for years.

Soldiers who went through Ranger school with Vindman years ago have a different title for him. It’s one of the worst titles that a Ranger trainee can have during the weeks of calorie-deprived training designed to whip them into hardened fighting machines: “Chow Thief.”

So, bring good witnesses on your impeachment trip. Instead of any competent witnesses, all we’ve seen so far is a group a of people who once spent prom night crying into the pages of a Star Trek novel, while occasionally looking into the mirror and telling themselves that they hate everyone at that stupid school anyway.

The fourth and this is really the most important thing that you should pack for an impeachment trip is proof of some sort of crime. Schiff doesn’t have one of those. None of the witnesses have produced one of those. In fact, every witness so far has cracked under questioning from Republicans and admitted that there was no quid pro quo, no extortion, no bribery and no crimes at all. Nor do they have any evidence.

Our revenge against these nerds is going to be incredibly sweet on November 3, 2020.